Nila's Awakening Experience
AWAKENING
Preface
Covid is raging across the world and we are all thrown back onto ourselves and the inner work we have done and left undone....I am restless....I need a change of place and a new horizon.... I decide to go on retreat if any are open at this time.....
The week before this thought, I developed retinal tears....physical tears in the way I was ‘seeing’...a ‘tearing away’ of the normal ways of looking....
At the time I did not realise that this was a symbol of the Great Tear that was about to occur so that I would ‘see through different eyes’ spiritually ....a tearing of the spiritual veil was imminent. A simple, ordinary, everyday retreat in a very ordinary place was about to become something else.
This is the story of what happened....
Sunday July 5th
On Sunday morning I got a call. A last minute decision had garnered a response. Yes I could join the retreat starting that evening.....a rush to get packed and organised.....pay bills...leave messages.....say goodbyes.....prepare to leave the world for seven days...
I went on retreat, I thought, because I was getting cabin fever during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic. I felt locked down somehow and in need of an escape. But God had other plans.....
I packed clothes, books, writing materials, my meditation stool, laptop ....and then a voice said ‘take a blow heater’. I wondered why but obeyed. It is winter and retreat rooms usually have heating. But the little heater in my monk’s cell could not heat the space and the wall heater wouldn’t work. The lady from reception couldn’t get it to work either.....I said a silent ‘thank you’ as I returned to my car to retrieve the heater that was so sorely needed....
That evening our facilitator asked us to write down what we hoped to do on retreat. On my sheet I wrote:
1. Have more time for meditation and silence.
2. Explore and delve into Celtic spirituality.
3. Go for walks
4. Discern God’s presence more.
I had no idea how and in what way ‘discerning God’s presence’ was about to unfold......
After dinner I entered the great silence, my refuge in the coming days.....
Monday July 6th
My thoughts in meditation are beginning to release their grip.....today I felt the presence of a heavenly visitor in our circle and the depth of peace and love that was delivered pierced clean through to my heart....when the meditation ended nobody moved....nobody wanted to break the silence and the magic....the pilgrim’s journey has begun....
Tuesday July 7th
The sun is shining and after spending time with Celtic friends John O’Donohue and Margaret Silf I put away my books and went walking.....I was struck by the beauty of a rose and God’s presence within it. ‘Thank you Beloved for allowing me to see Your presence here. How else will I encounter you in these days?’
The meditation has grown deeper still.....
Wednesday July 8th
Today I drew two cards from a deck seeking what should be known right now. They made no sense at the time.....
RAM
The ram brings the ability to make a breakthrough, the power to penetrate. The day will come when you achieve a breakthrough, reaching your destination and discovering that you have come home! The ram climbs to the very top of the mountain.
HEATHER
Heather grows on the mountainside. Bees come to collect its honey. Good luck is around you and a time to celebrate is near.....
The meditation has deepened further.......
Thursday July 9th 2020 10pm
Tonight Nila sat to meditate and closed her eyes. Suddenly she disappeared.....vanished.......was gone in a puff....absent.....finished.....no more.......nowhere....wiped out....eliminated.....cast off....set adrift.....nowhere to be found....
There remained just a shell in-filled by the only thing that really is: the power and presence of God. Within the shell the shining Divine energy surged and the Divine sound rang out. Only God existed within that space.....exists within all spaces......nothing else ..... the illusion was shattered...
God alone IS.....there is nothing other than God....any talk of ‘I’ and ‘you’ is meaningless.....God is everywhere.....God is everything......that is it.....the simple truth that is veiled as part of the play.....
The meditation lasted 30 minutes then there was an instruction to take a piece of paper and write:
I infill all spaces
I inhabit all forms
The energy experienced within is My power,
My Self within that form.
Death does not exist because I am eternal.
I move in and out of the forms it pleases Me to create.
I am peace. I am love. I am eternity.
I am the field in which I play.....
Only That....nothing more. Nothing more!
Thursday July 9th
This morning all I can do is cry for the blessing of last night. There was no impediment to Your Beingness....the veil was torn asunder.......a new way of seeing dawned....Glory be to You, source of all Being.......
This evening in meditation the energy flickered in jolts at the top of the head....Kundalini the Hindus call her....many times she has been encountered before but not like this......with this intensity.....the Hindus say that if you dream of being bitten by a snake it means you will be enlightened by Kundalini in this lifetime.....this pilgrim had such a dream many years ago....
The tears continue to fall.
There are three ways this pilgrim has experience of being absorbed into the Divine presence, sometimes partially and now totally:
• Merging with the Divine energy
• Becoming lost in the Divine Light
• Disappearing so that only God remains
Friday July 10th
The tears continue....
I am still in awe of what happened, quite spontaneously, unbidden, unexpected. I cannot replicate that experience because I do not know how it happened. All I can do is abide in That and hope that the veil does not return. God’s power and presence shines forth when all the veils are lifted. What joy! What a revelation! I have woken up from the illusion except that there is no ‘I’ to be awakened....only an ‘I’ to be removed......
There is no Jesus
There is no cross
There is no Nila
There is no Jaidyn
There is no inside
There is no outside
‘I and my Father are One’
Or rather ....only the Father IS
All else is His body...the field in which He plays.....
That One alone exists.
Sat July 11th
The tears continue....in awe...in gratitude....in wonder....
I don’t know what to do with this....how to reconcile it with having a body on earth. It would seem appropriate to shed the body at this moment....why does it remain? How can I return to coffee shop chat after this? How can I allow myself to be drawn back into the illusion that exists all around me? What to do now? I feel as if I should become silent and not speak for the next 20 years for why speak if it is about falsehood? Or become a pilgrim wandering here and there for the rest of my life putting down no roots ....belonging only in That....and yet other lives are tethered to mine and I do not know how to proceed.....
The retreat is finished this evening and at dinner everyone is chatting again...not that many of them actually entered into any depth of silence!....I feel the urge to leave so that I can keep within the circle of silence.....I pack the car for home....
Sun July 12th
The tears continue.....
Nila is gone!
But Nila never existed anyway!
What to do now?
What to do now?
Just sit in the truth!
In this moment...
And let other moments take care of themselves.....and let tears flow if they will....if they are part of the moment....
I chat with Geoff.....pilgrims together on the sofa.....he understands....’Perhaps you should lie low for a while....wait until this has been processed....somewhere there will be a reconciliation’.... of That with the ‘this’ of the world...this mode of being with that mode of being....because God is not outside of any of It...God will do His own reconciling in His own time......patience and stillness are required....
I decide to try and read some other ‘enlightenment’ accounts to see how they managed afterwards but I cannot even do that! There are subtle differences in each one ....different points of emphasis and I must be true to what has arisen in this place.....
I decide to write it down......perhaps a few bees will come to collect the honey!......
The white cockatoos line up on the veranda hungry for bread...they are satisfied with so little....and yet they have come and I will offer them more than bread as I hand over a thought with my small pieces of wholegrain:
‘God looks through ‘your’ eyes and experiences Himself, my little friends’.....even the cockatoos think I have gone mad and they move a little further along the rail to create a distance between us......
And the sound of the Universe continues to echo inside.......only God exists in this place!
Monday July 13th
Last night I found myself singing
Alleluia
over and over again.....as energy and tingles surged everywhere.
This pilgrim often saw a blue light surrounded by a halo in meditation. Last night with eyes closed, the thought ‘only That’ swept across the field and a blue light much bigger than before and a white halo glow far wider than before, appeared in a flash and was gone.
This morning the inner sound of the Universe and the inner glow are still there and all I can do is smile.....
I am led to understand that ‘only God exists’ is the understanding of angels and completed humans....nothing veils angels from the Divine Presence....
Praise be to God that the journey of lifetimes is at an end....and the rest is silence.
Tuesday July 14th
I prefer the night to the daytime now because at night the world calms down and silence has a chance to spread its’ wise blanket.
This pilgrim’s sufi roots have been rediscovered and last night I chanted endlessly
La’illah’illallah
There is nothing but God.
How wonderful will be this evening when God can sing His truth to Himself!
There seems now to be some kind of settling, an awareness of the inner and the outer. In the inner is the puppet master and the outer reveals the puppets on the stage. Or again the inner is the Queen on her throne and the outer is Her kingdom going about its’ business.
The inner sound and glow remain.......and there is sometimes difficulty grasping strings of words that interact from outside with This.
OM TAT SAT
has flashed across awareness. Online I seek the meaning. Three names of God. Om - the sound of Brahman as vibration. Tat- ‘That’ which is beautiful, loving, full of qualities, manifest creation. Sat - 'truth' which is the indescribable Absolute Truth. Basically all three are the same - Brahman ... just described differently.
I have decided to remain silent until the end of the week (at least).....when too many words are directed at This they just bounce off.....
Wed July 15th
Last night I had a strange dream. I came upon a familiar house that was rotting away. The owners seemed unconcerned as if they had not noticed. I explained to them what was happening and that the whole structure could fall down on them...they seemed unable to do anything about it...and unconcerned about it....it all seemed very strange and troubling......Only now in the waking state does it make sense....the dissolution of the separate self....the old Nila collapsing....
In another dream I recognised the two fears that Nila had carried:
-The fear of unwanted male sexual advances
-The fear of termites destroying the house
Those fears were to be seen, like residual karma....or rubbish washed up on a beach that needs to be picked up and disposed of....
An unsettling feeling is around this morning after last night....along with the sound of the Universe....
And a line from a song has popped into my head: ‘Heathcliffe, it’s me kathy....”come home”.
Strange bits and pieces.....stray thoughts....processed in the night....a collage of Nila.....Let’s pray she does not return....
Before there were few thoughts....now strange ones shoot up....it is unsettling....
But what is unsettled and who prays that Nila should not return? That one does not exist! The sound and the field are still there....they have not gone away.....’trust Me.....this new state will feel normal eventually’.....Nila exists only in thought and memory.....in time those thoughts will dissipate and cease to swirl in dreams or in waking......pay attention only to the sound and the field......in silence.....
A process is at work, like yeast in a barrel ....silently in the darkness transforming what was once the grapes into wine.....all is well....all is well.....watch and wait....watch and wait......
Thurs July 16th
This morning happiness is spread across the field. All is happiness.
Last night I was caught up in the Kyrie....and the Gnostic’s chant and the blue light was my companion. Welcome friend!
Several days ago a friend said ‘I still don’t understand why God allows suffering’.
This morning a response flashed across the field:
Suffering provides the mechanism, the motivation for the pilgrim to set his sights on Home,
Without thirst, there is no searching for water,
Without hunger, there is no seeking for bread,
Suffering is a gift wrapped up in a shadow.....
It causes the ripening!
Fri July 17th
There is a body, created in God/Source. In the heart of each creature God IS. God is experienced in this body as Divine sound and the field of awareness. The mind and thinking faculty try constantly to overlay this with something more than what actually exists.
The mind is infinitely creative. It is intended to navigate the body through life so that God-Divinity can witness Itself in form and enjoy the creation that It loves. But the mind overreaches its’ brief and creates veil upon veil, which must be destroyed to return to the original condition of Being.
Through the senses the mind interacts with the external world, getting itself ‘lost’ in the world of forms and creating entrapment. The mind becomes the master instead of being the servant. As a result suffering arises and the pilgrim becomes more and more motivated to seek the source of suffering and eliminate it. Eventually it discovers the true problem and is free.
Sat July 18
Wisps of Nila still appear momentarily in the foreground of the field, with feelings and responsibilities attached....but enduring attention need not be paid to that. It is like a leaf that falls from a tree. There is ‘the falling’ but it takes a long time before the leaf itself rots away.
The mind and body still exist and the mind has spent a lifetime constructing ‘Nila’ in thought. It takes a long time for that concept, that illusory history and its’ associations to dissipate. The final dissolution happens at the shedding of the body. The body remains a thread, a link to the old.
Do not worry. Ideas concerning ‘Nila’ and threads connected to that will rise and fall on the tide...trust the process.....even an enlightened one must still ‘shit in the toilet’!
Focus on the sound and the field to re-establish balance....rest in the silence! The leaf has fallen but it is still at the bottom of the tree! Things turn slowly in My ways of being... Surrender up to Me all that remains....in love.
Sun July 19
Last night in the darkness of candlelight, this mouth sang God’s praises and there arose such a deep love and compassion for all the children who suffer because they do not yet know. Tears fell.
If You send any of these pilgrims to my door I will welcome them with arms wide open. May the peace and love of God enfold all creation in the blessing of the Light.
Tomorrow I will break my silence and make some small steps out into the world.
What has changed?
Nothing and everything! Nila struggles to engage in things that continue to promote the illusion. Engagement with what is unreal is kept to a minimum. Nila is content in the moment to remain largely in her room, in her house, in the quietness.
Internally there is a steady peace and calm, an unwavering contentment, the Divine sound and the deep, warm and shining expansive field of awareness.....and when the eyes focus on the world there is great love for creation and God’s presence within it....
This unknown pilgrim’s journey has come to an end.....and the world continues its usual ways, turning....ever turning......
Oh Lovers of God,
Let’s gather and be with the God within!
Let’s enter the silence of our own hearts
And find the hidden jewel!
Come in silence and leave in silence!
The truth is whispered and written in secret riddles!
Keep on, oh pilgrim until you find your shining Home!
This is the end of Nila’s story......
